i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
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