Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
