I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
