So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
