Betty ford says i'm here all night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im holly from the hills drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
