i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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