My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
