im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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