listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MIDGETS
????
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
