If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
