Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
