Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
