Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
