So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
