i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And then my night got REAL pukey
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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