Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When are your genitals available?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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