I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
