my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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