im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
even my farts smell like vagina
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
