Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
