Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
