We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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