well I can't set my house on fire every night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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