I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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