After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
