My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
