i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
