sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
