Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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