i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
