Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize