dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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