I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
