in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize