Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
