i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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