So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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