Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
