Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
