Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
