He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
