He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
