Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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