I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
