I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
