I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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