We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
