Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
