loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
