i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
