Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
