it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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