I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
