I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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