I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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