Don't you send me to vm
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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