she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
