I think I just saw someone hide a body.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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