I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
