nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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